I ran home in the rain. •€≠≥All winter, I ran in the wet, prickleφ♥ snow that was spitting in the wε₽inter of Connecticut. ♥γ∏>Sometimes, I was wearing jeans >•× and Storck Birkin jog $δging, feeling too low, unable to c≈δ€♠oncentrate. Put on the fitness equip♥≈✘"ment. But I did it. I took the mλ‌edicine. I did it twentieth timeε®☆§s. The chemical compositi∑π♦on of my brain is slowly recovering. ÷±The prescription cure ★•d me.

I've been running, 20 minutesσ§σ← of stopwatch every day, becau→₹§↓se that therapist is right: 11 months δ± and 3 days ago, I feel I need to fee↓®•l my pain. It's real life ♣↑≈'again. But, as anyone has reached th±™←e edge and crossed i✘♠♥®t, I live in a nagging, consta↔♣₽Ωnt fear that my next col<↔↑lapse will never be far aw$≥¶ay.The despair of the delicat✘•e titration brarry my b÷✔rain needs 5- endorph<"✔≠in, serotonin, dopamine and glutamate β" NCE let me wear shoes on the sidewalk ®© or treadmill. I never got the exc≠₩itement of a legendary >σrunner. I never thoug≠→"λht of Zen meditation, or even a few se π✘conds. This is a purely tedio¶≈≥πus physical discomfort↔ , and worse, the car, the unhea ¶λ×lthy mind of the mind. I set the stopw"↕σatch at 20:00My mind immediately took ♥&over in the process of self destruction±±, like this, "Okay, don't l↕↑€ook at the watch." Fuck it.∑δ I've seen it. The sports match is>¶₹ 19 minutes and 58 seconds, and§ ÷ the stopwatch time is le♣π ft. Jesus's damn A∞↑lison, at least five mi≥∞αnutes later, don't see it ag→☆'☆ain. Okay? All right.I really ✔ ↔need bikini wax. But I shoul↓≥→dn't do that. I shouldnδ嶩9;t have bought it again. It's to≠≥ ©o anti feminism. But I feel disg​₩>usted with my swimsuit. Wh≥♣∞y can't I become ♥εone of those women who come o™δ×±ut of my bikini, jus↕↑t like I put a broken Brie Loppa De∞∞♥πca in it, so that's okay↔₽✔? It all hurts like a bastard​₩€§.I can go right away, but I think I'♠λ±π;m going to have my menstrua©↕γtion, just like it is'↑α↑ now. The poor Asian women have λ♣seen my damn underwear too many™≥ times. They're Plo Babu Eli,✘♦σ so I'm going to get out of the b®‍<ox office. On this point, φ€♥§they'll lie and say they don't®α×φ have time. Run for a 19 mε‌inute stopwatch, and go for a 40∞  second watch.

Sometimes I run in the street  λ ≤clothes. Some days, when the stoσ₹pwatch was running in the street, I did>‌♥n't look like I was running. I ‍↑seemed to be late fo>₽©σr work or wanted to go t ≥ o work. It's a bus.

Before I die, I want to run ano∏σther race, where I won't cry, I ca∞γ↑n't pee, I won't b‍$÷leed on the finish line, ♠λand I won't die on the finΩ☆•ish line. But now the only real com₩§♣petition is running ₽γ←•every day, with a stopwatch ×≠'running for 20 minutes ∞&α"every time, when people shout on th↑≥e porch, with a little concern, "±<✔¥Hey! What are you late for? Thenσ¥≈÷ I looked at the palm's stoε★✔↕pwatch. I found it wasσΩ really late. Do you need a r€→$★ide? "I smile, wave, go α‌≤±on. Try to tell yourse♥αlf that when I realize that I'ε∑↑™m sweating through my silk blou§φ πse, there are 18 minute♣∏s of stopwatch and 2 seconds, whic βh may be my personal best.